I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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