the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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