Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
