yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
