i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
