I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
