Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Randomize
