So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
