My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
