Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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