Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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