its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
