i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
