All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
