Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
