The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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