Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
