A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
as a side note pls kill me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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