I wish I could punch you in the face.
I love black thongs
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
