someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
