I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
