He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
