Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
