the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
