Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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