FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
