Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
