fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
