I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
