Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
