the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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