What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
