Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
