my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
