I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
