is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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