i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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