dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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