Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
