I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
