I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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