A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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