Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
