Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
