I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
