so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
