You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
