Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
