but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
