wakey wakey hands off snakey
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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